Wednesday, June 29, 2005

New Site

I've moved from here to

Join me, join me. Don't shy!

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Over-thinking or Over Thinking

I have been struggling with what I want to do with my career and my desire to settle into a more settled community. I arrived in Pigotts, and I was reminded of this song that kinda just gives me a gentle kick in the ass. It reminds me to stop planning in my head and charting everything into a nice, fully optimized thing. Never worked in doing case studies, and I don't think it'll work in my real life. Anyways, before I get too preachy, here we go:

i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

-Indigo Girls

I want a rose. Time to get dirty.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Meeting With Old Friends

There is something about friends that you have grown up with that make meeting up with them so special.

I met Lenn and David for an day in London to hang out. Lenn sat behind me in Primary 2, while David and I were classmates since Secondary 1. We went to Taiwan together for our immersion course too! These two blokes and I also went to Australia together after NS. So it is always good to hang out with them again.

We met at King's Cross station, and then went to Mawar's for some yummy Malaysian cuisine. Met up with another old friend (somehow they keep popping up!) and we chilled there, and had tehs and assam curry fish etc. Utterly enjoyable. I love lounging around and catching up, because with these pals, you know it's not just one of those i'm-free-and-there's-nothing-else-to-do-so-let-me-just-meet-someone things. The conversations are real. The people are real. And I've missed having the chance to enjoy these real encounters with friends. Not focusing on careers or who is making what kind of money, or gossip, but just talking and laughing and listening.

We went shopping after that, and I bought 2 shirts! Yay! Haven't had the chance to shop much, or had the ability to shop with people that give me advice on colours or fitting (once, I went shopping and I was abandoned to go buy my stuff alone while someone else *ahem* went to shop for clothes! The audacity! Horrigible! *grin* I even got myself a tie, which meant a great day at the shops.

David left, and it was up to Lenn and me to amuse ourselves, so we decided to go try and get last-minute tickets for Guys and Dolls, because Ewan McGregor was starring in it. We sat outside of the theatre for 2 and a half hours, and still ended up empty-handed. Lenn wanted to leave after an hour and a half, but I kept insisting on staying and he was kind enough to oblige (ah, the friend I am. Also says about the friend he is). I just kept hoping and hoping and hoping that we would get tickets, and I reckon it is the type of person I am. Foolishly hopeful. *grin* Although, if you never hope, then you never expect, and then you'll never experience the joy of actually succeeding. Ok, that sounded foolishly hopeful as well. Screw it, I'm not budging for my stance. Yet.

There was this cute girl behind us in line. She was such a sweetheart. I thought she was just another one of those really good looking girls with nothing else until a) I saw her boyfriend and b) she started speaking. a) Her boyfriend is this burly bald dude that looks a little like Steve Austin (WWF Fame):

so that was really cute. b) She spoke with such a pleasant voice that it was amazingly beautiful. So I ended up really liking the couple because they seemed so cute together. That is all.

The day ended with Lenn and I heading back to Pigotts, having dinner at home, and then Lenn stayed over and Stuart, Lenn and I ended up talking until late at night.

I haven't had the chance to sit around and share life with people in such a long time. I really like that.

That is all.

Fleshing-Out-Hopes-On-Blog Post

So we're ok, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop the crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
Stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take 'em apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two

-Indigo Girls

Sunday, June 26, 2005

UK: Day 2

It is the first time I have slept for 8 hours in a few weeks. It felt great. I got SMSes from someone that I would never expect to ever SMS me again, and it felt really good. Something about unexpected SMSes that make me feel loved. You know how you sometimes get gripped by a scent, and it brings you back to a certain time or makes you feel a certain way? That's exactly what unexpected SMSes do to me.

On the other hand, you feel fear to reply, in case the conversation ends with you. Especially if you send back only 1 reply, and there's no return SMS. It feels premature. And then there's the whole struggle between whether I should be selfish and not reply or exert myself again to send a message. The hopeful side usually wins and well, I always somehow end up sending a reply message. *grin* This must be the most silly part of my blog. So let's move to more interesting stuff.

Today I had one of the most interesting lunches ever. Stuart and Jack invited their friends over, and so it was 4 couples and me. It was really beautiful seeing these individuals after hearing about them for so long. And what was more gorgeous was interacting and observing them interact. I may have only realized this, but there is something really splendid about seeing 2 people together. Not because they are like those couples that finish each other's sentences, but more like because they don't. It was real. It was 2 people loving each other and coming to terms with each other. It was 2 people being able to see the comedy in their attempts instead of the tragedy. They say that love can either be seen as a comedy or a tragedy, and I pray that these lovely people always remember to see the comedy in it. At least do it for me haha, so that I can continue to hope.

Similarly, I wish I could see more comedy in my love life.

After lunch, we sat outside on the grass for almost 3 hours I think, and there's something magical about basking in the sun and having Tsingtao Beer. Something simple. Like there's nothing else to do. Like I'm not looking around the next bend.

Like holding a completely peeled (but uncut) mango in my hand, and eating it while the juice dribbles from my hand, not giving a shit about it dripping anywhere else.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Pigotts Sing-a-Long

I slept on the couch for 5 hours, and man, it felt like I had not slept for years. Today ended up being a really chill day. Dinner was shepard's pie, and I must say how amazing a cook Jack is.

After dinner ended, I was just casually playing some "He Cares For Me" on the baby grand piano when Jack recognized the tune. Now THAT surprised me, because the chords were pretty miserable and I only played like a verse of it. This lead to the full-blown singing of that song, which then lead to a full-blown worship session. Subsequently we passed through the realms of singing musicals, love songs, retro music, and of course, Indigo Girls. :) Stuart plays the piano beautifully. Jack and him have this wonderful quality about them when they sing together, and while they were singing, I remember distinctly thinking to myself, "Am I wearing shoes or slippers?" I wriggled my toes to realize they were shoes. But at that moment, I felt the deepest feeling that that was the place that I wanted to be at the moment, and not anywhere else. And that I was so still in that presence that I felt not my feet. It was amazing. I haven't had that in the longest time. We ended up singing for 3 hours. :)

Jack and Stuart sang this song that I thought was really good. It was from Sweeney Todd (a musical), and I was really gripped by the first part of the song:

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling,
I don't care, I got ways.

No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...

I was all like "Awwwww, that's a good song. I so want to sing it to the girl I end up with!" *grin* Turns out that the song was sung from a mother to her son, as she tries to lure her son out, only to butcher him (literally) to death. That pushed the song from V.Good to Great on my song-o-meter! Still, those lyrics would be amazing to sing to a loved one. No butchering though.

I went to watch Batman Begins after the sing-a-long, and I could pick out a few of the buildings that they used, and Wacker Drive as well. I really, really liked Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon. Katie Holmes was really blah.

Off to the UK

I could not sleep. Again. Somehow, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I get the ominous feeling that someone is going to call me, and so that keeps me a little edgy at night. So I would wait, and when no one called, I get depressed, because I would still be waiting for the call. But then I tell myself that the call is coming soon.

Maybe I over think this too much.

Anyhow, Day 6 of my holiday. Today I took a taxi to the airport, and at 5am in the morning, Paris has a sort of magic to it. Zipping around the streets, listening to the driver's choice of The Great Pretender on the radio, no traffic, just watching Paris pass me by. Magical. Paris has a pulse, and the driver weaved his way through the streets that elicited a sigh from me.

Of course, something exciting HAD to happen.

I get to the airport, wait for the check-in time by sitting in the corner with a book. I get called out of my reverie, and look up.

There is no one else in the airport.

In broken English, the airport staff inform me that I have to leave the terminal.

"Abandoned luggage..." he said while gesturing its shape, and then shrugging, "Could be bomb."

Assuring. Very assuring.

So I join everyone outside at the curb of Terminal 3 for an hour, before the police and fire department and whoever else they pack into those tiny vehicles came to inspect and find that everything is ok.

I get on the plane, and leave all the rest of the stuff behind me. Yay.

Friday, June 17, 2005

And So It Is.

4 years. Bam, 4 years.

It's been one amazing ride. I wish there were other things better to say, on the day before graduation, but there aren't.

I hate goodbyes.

It feels slightly constipated at the moment, trying to sum up 4 years into a nice little article, but it's impossible. It wouldn't do justice to any event or any of the great people that I've met. Which is why I hate goodbyes so badly. Whenever I have to do so, I try to run away from them, disappear into the darkness, so that the memory that they have of me is one of an ongoing friendship, instead of the dying embers of a bonfire. Maybe it's the need to grasp onto something more firm, to hold onto a community, that's driving me back home. How many more permanent goodbyes can I take?

Oh well. And so it is. Congratulations to Northwestern University Seniors, from the class of 2005!

I hate goodbyes.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Final Lap

My parents came to Chicago 2 days ago, and it's been wonderful to be able to share the city with them! Well, I guess there're some aspects about family that are amazing, and then there are those aspects that make you want to tear your hair out.

Yesterday was Senior Formal! One last hurrah with the rest of my graduating class. Shall upload some photos soon, but it was a blast, and now I have a splitting headache to show for it. I have to drive downtown to take my parents shopping now, so well, this is going to be a fun ride. Or maybe I should just nap... 7 out of the last 10 days were spent drinking, and I don't think I can withstand this much longer. My lungs have given way, and I guess for the rest, it's just a matter of time. I did, however, really enjoy clubbing yesterday night. Somehow singing "Living on a Prayer" while drunk, along with other drunk people, never cease to make me happy.

Ok, more to come soon.