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Over-thinking or Over Thinking

I have been struggling with what I want to do with my career and my desire to settle into a more settled community. I arrived in Pigotts, and I was reminded of this song that kinda just gives me a gentle kick in the ass. It reminds me to stop planning in my head and charting everything into a nice, fully optimized thing. Never worked in doing case studies, and I don't think it'll work in my real life. Anyways, before I get too preachy, here we go:


i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose
-Indigo Girls

I want a rose. Time to get dirty.

Meeting With Old Friends

There is something about friends that you have grown up with that make meeting up with them so special.

I met Lenn and David for an day in London to hang out. Lenn sat behind me in Primary 2, while David and I were classmates since Secondary 1. We went to Taiwan together for our immersion course too! These two blokes and I also went to Australia together after NS. So it is always good to hang out with them again.

We met at King's Cross station, and then went to Mawar's for some yummy Malaysian cuisine. Met up with another old friend (somehow they keep popping up!) and we chilled there, and had tehs and assam curry fish etc. Utterly enjoyable. I love lounging around and catching up, because with these pals, you know it's not just one of those i'm-free-and-there's-nothing-else-to-do-so-let-me-just-meet-someone things. The conversations are real. The people are real. And I've missed having the chance to enjoy these real encounters with friends. Not focusing on careers or who is making what kind of money, or gossip, but just talking and laughing and listening.

We went shopping after that, and I bought 2 shirts! Yay! Haven't had the chance to shop much, or had the ability to shop with people that give me advice on colours or fitting (once, I went shopping and I was abandoned to go buy my stuff alone while someone else *ahem* went to shop for clothes! The audacity! Horrigible! *grin* I even got myself a tie, which meant a great day at the shops.

David left, and it was up to Lenn and me to amuse ourselves, so we decided to go try and get last-minute tickets for Guys and Dolls, because Ewan McGregor was starring in it. We sat outside of the theatre for 2 and a half hours, and still ended up empty-handed. Lenn wanted to leave after an hour and a half, but I kept insisting on staying and he was kind enough to oblige (ah, the friend I am. Also says about the friend he is). I just kept hoping and hoping and hoping that we would get tickets, and I reckon it is the type of person I am. Foolishly hopeful. *grin* Although, if you never hope, then you never expect, and then you'll never experience the joy of actually succeeding. Ok, that sounded foolishly hopeful as well. Screw it, I'm not budging for my stance. Yet.

There was this cute girl behind us in line. She was such a sweetheart. I thought she was just another one of those really good looking girls with nothing else until a) I saw her boyfriend and b) she started speaking. a) Her boyfriend is this burly bald dude that looks a little like Steve Austin (WWF Fame):


so that was really cute. b) She spoke with such a pleasant voice that it was amazingly beautiful. So I ended up really liking the couple because they seemed so cute together. That is all.

The day ended with Lenn and I heading back to Pigotts, having dinner at home, and then Lenn stayed over and Stuart, Lenn and I ended up talking until late at night.

I haven't had the chance to sit around and share life with people in such a long time. I really like that.

That is all.

Fleshing-Out-Hopes-On-Blog Post

So we're ok, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop the crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
Stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together then we'll take 'em apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two
-Indigo Girls

UK: Day 2

It is the first time I have slept for 8 hours in a few weeks. It felt great. I got SMSes from someone that I would never expect to ever SMS me again, and it felt really good. Something about unexpected SMSes that make me feel loved. You know how you sometimes get gripped by a scent, and it brings you back to a certain time or makes you feel a certain way? That's exactly what unexpected SMSes do to me.

On the other hand, you feel fear to reply, in case the conversation ends with you. Especially if you send back only 1 reply, and there's no return SMS. It feels premature. And then there's the whole struggle between whether I should be selfish and not reply or exert myself again to send a message. The hopeful side usually wins and well, I always somehow end up sending a reply message. *grin* This must be the most silly part of my blog. So let's move to more interesting stuff.

Today I had one of the most interesting lunches ever. Stuart and Jack invited their friends over, and so it was 4 couples and me. It was really beautiful seeing these individuals after hearing about them for so long. And what was more gorgeous was interacting and observing them interact. I may have only realized this, but there is something really splendid about seeing 2 people together. Not because they are like those couples that finish each other's sentences, but more like because they don't. It was real. It was 2 people loving each other and coming to terms with each other. It was 2 people being able to see the comedy in their attempts instead of the tragedy. They say that love can either be seen as a comedy or a tragedy, and I pray that these lovely people always remember to see the comedy in it. At least do it for me haha, so that I can continue to hope.

Similarly, I wish I could see more comedy in my love life.

After lunch, we sat outside on the grass for almost 3 hours I think, and there's something magical about basking in the sun and having Tsingtao Beer. Something simple. Like there's nothing else to do. Like I'm not looking around the next bend.

Like holding a completely peeled (but uncut) mango in my hand, and eating it while the juice dribbles from my hand, not giving a shit about it dripping anywhere else.

Pigotts Sing-a-Long

I slept on the couch for 5 hours, and man, it felt like I had not slept for years. Today ended up being a really chill day. Dinner was shepard's pie, and I must say how amazing a cook Jack is.

After dinner ended, I was just casually playing some "He Cares For Me" on the baby grand piano when Jack recognized the tune. Now THAT surprised me, because the chords were pretty miserable and I only played like a verse of it. This lead to the full-blown singing of that song, which then lead to a full-blown worship session. Subsequently we passed through the realms of singing musicals, love songs, retro music, and of course, Indigo Girls. :) Stuart plays the piano beautifully. Jack and him have this wonderful quality about them when they sing together, and while they were singing, I remember distinctly thinking to myself, "Am I wearing shoes or slippers?" I wriggled my toes to realize they were shoes. But at that moment, I felt the deepest feeling that that was the place that I wanted to be at the moment, and not anywhere else. And that I was so still in that presence that I felt not my feet. It was amazing. I haven't had that in the longest time. We ended up singing for 3 hours. :)

Jack and Stuart sang this song that I thought was really good. It was from Sweeney Todd (a musical), and I was really gripped by the first part of the song:

Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around.
Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around.

Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays,
I'll send 'em howling,
I don't care, I got ways.

No one's gonna hurt you,
No one's gonna dare.
Others can desert you,
Not to worry, whistle, I'll be there.

Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while,
But in time...
Nothing can harm you
Not while I'm around...

I was all like "Awwwww, that's a good song. I so want to sing it to the girl I end up with!" *grin* Turns out that the song was sung from a mother to her son, as she tries to lure her son out, only to butcher him (literally) to death. That pushed the song from V.Good to Great on my song-o-meter! Still, those lyrics would be amazing to sing to a loved one. No butchering though.

I went to watch Batman Begins after the sing-a-long, and I could pick out a few of the buildings that they used, and Wacker Drive as well. I really, really liked Gary Oldman as Jim Gordon. Katie Holmes was really blah.

Off to the UK

I could not sleep. Again. Somehow, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I get the ominous feeling that someone is going to call me, and so that keeps me a little edgy at night. So I would wait, and when no one called, I get depressed, because I would still be waiting for the call. But then I tell myself that the call is coming soon.

Maybe I over think this too much.

Anyhow, Day 6 of my holiday. Today I took a taxi to the airport, and at 5am in the morning, Paris has a sort of magic to it. Zipping around the streets, listening to the driver's choice of The Great Pretender on the radio, no traffic, just watching Paris pass me by. Magical. Paris has a pulse, and the driver weaved his way through the streets that elicited a sigh from me.

Of course, something exciting HAD to happen.

I get to the airport, wait for the check-in time by sitting in the corner with a book. I get called out of my reverie, and look up.

There is no one else in the airport.

In broken English, the airport staff inform me that I have to leave the terminal.

"Abandoned luggage..." he said while gesturing its shape, and then shrugging, "Could be bomb."

Assuring. Very assuring.

So I join everyone outside at the curb of Terminal 3 for an hour, before the police and fire department and whoever else they pack into those tiny vehicles came to inspect and find that everything is ok.

I get on the plane, and leave all the rest of the stuff behind me. Yay.

And So It Is.

4 years. Bam, 4 years.

It's been one amazing ride. I wish there were other things better to say, on the day before graduation, but there aren't.

I hate goodbyes.

It feels slightly constipated at the moment, trying to sum up 4 years into a nice little article, but it's impossible. It wouldn't do justice to any event or any of the great people that I've met. Which is why I hate goodbyes so badly. Whenever I have to do so, I try to run away from them, disappear into the darkness, so that the memory that they have of me is one of an ongoing friendship, instead of the dying embers of a bonfire. Maybe it's the need to grasp onto something more firm, to hold onto a community, that's driving me back home. How many more permanent goodbyes can I take?

Oh well. And so it is. Congratulations to Northwestern University Seniors, from the class of 2005!

I hate goodbyes.

Final Lap

My parents came to Chicago 2 days ago, and it's been wonderful to be able to share the city with them! Well, I guess there're some aspects about family that are amazing, and then there are those aspects that make you want to tear your hair out.

Yesterday was Senior Formal! One last hurrah with the rest of my graduating class. Shall upload some photos soon, but it was a blast, and now I have a splitting headache to show for it. I have to drive downtown to take my parents shopping now, so well, this is going to be a fun ride. Or maybe I should just nap... 7 out of the last 10 days were spent drinking, and I don't think I can withstand this much longer. My lungs have given way, and I guess for the rest, it's just a matter of time. I did, however, really enjoy clubbing yesterday night. Somehow singing "Living on a Prayer" while drunk, along with other drunk people, never cease to make me happy.

Ok, more to come soon.

Sitting Around

Yesterday Joyce popped by, and after we watched the Pistons get annihilated by the Spurs (TERRIBLE), I was flipping channels, and ended up on MTV. We watched Pimp My Ride for 3 hours! I must admit that I'm not the hugest car fan around. I don't buy the magazines and I sure as hell did not know that the RX8 ran on a rotary engine or that the Evo has the MIVEC (please don't ask me what it stands for *grin*). But watching those hunk-a-junks getting remade was pretty damn satisfying. There was this 19 year old kid called Kerry that had the cheesiest fist pumps, and he even wanted to hug Xzibit, but was turned down. When he tried to hug the dude, Xzibit stuck his hand out to stop him and said,"dude, that's a little too straightforward, man." I just cracked up!

It's an awesome show, and I never realized how catchy the song was. Ah Tan and Weixuan went for supper after the 2nd episode, and when they got back, Joyce and I were still watching Pimp My Ride! Xzibit is a really funny host, and the crew that pimp up the rides are damn funny as well. Everyone looks like they've been in the slammer for some sort of felony, and we had fun predicting what there went into jail for. E.g. White scrawny man with long hair like David Spade? Statuatory Rape, 5 - 7 years *grin* Ah, will stereotypes never end hahaha

Well, to put some faces to names, here is ah tan (left) with my ex-roommate, Colin:


Glamourous pics all around, y'think? ;)

Relegated

This is the last week that I will be in my apartment, and so the boys and I have been trying to get rid of all our stuff. It was with great sadness that I had to get rid of my table, which has relegated me to the floor of my room. Ah Tan has it worse I guess, since he's sleeping on the mattress on the floor.



It's weird how, after 2 years, you pack everything up in nice little boxes, and move somewhere else. It does feel a little subsistent and pointless after awhile. It feels only like yesterday that I slept for the first time on my bed, and now I'm moving downtown to another place. Weird.

I guess the last 6 years have been sort of a path that has shown me the type of person that I really am. There are some friends I know that will break their backs to search for their Holy Grail of wealth and/or power wherever it takes them, and then there are those that are like me that would love to go home soon. For the last 4 years, it does seem like I have been living in 2 time zones -- the US and Singapore. There seems to be a deep aching within me to find somewhere steady, and be able to play an integral role in people's lives. In the US, it seems fleeting because you meet people, become friends, influence and help each other, and then in a year or two, it's over. Sad.

I am, however, excited about going to work in the US! Pitting myself against the finest and seeing where I stand haha. Competitive? Yes. High D? Yes.

We shall see how the dice rolls. It might be loaded from the start already.

Too Much

I thought I should do this before i actually become sober, which would probably make this post a little less funny or make it too relevant *grin* Anyhow, yesterday was Eugene's birthday and we all trudged down to Las Palmas for some mexican food and marguaritas. Watched Mr and Mrs Smith after, which was a really enjoyable movie. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have pretty damn good chemistry. Plus she is hot. Damn hot.

After the movie, we went to grab a drink at the bar, which started the downward spiral towards debauchery. Some old friends met up with us, and told us that they had tons of alcohol. We invited them to come over and drink with us.

Bad idea.

I don't know why, but I was like taking so many shots that it was crazy. I think I had 20 in 2 hours or something. The birthday boy locked himself in his room to escape from the madness, and I had to try to throw up some of the alcohol (what was I thinking? It doesn't work!) so that I could get up for church today, 'cos I really wanted to go.

I did managed to go to church actually.

I woke up this morning, and my room mate had someone else's blanket on him, someone else was passed out on the couch, and I had a splitting headache. I go to church, manage to go through the worship part, and then I fell asleep at the start of the sermon. The funny thing is that during the sermon, apparently the pastor told a joke, and some people thought it was funny and clapped a little. My friends told me that I woke up and clapped twice with them, and then fell asleep again. True be told, I don't remember a single bit of that.

So now I am going to go rest. It was a long night. Reminds me how old I am getting.

The end.

Hopeless Romantic or Romantically Hopeless

I was just talking to a friend from the UK, and we were discussing about love and life, and I was telling him that I can't stop being a hopeless romantic. Then I paused after typing those two words -- uh huh, "hopeless romantic". Because it just sounded so, well, romantic. "Dumb Fuck" (pardon the language) would have been a more apt expression, because if you think about it, isn't a "hopeless romantic" just "hopeless"? They just put in the word "romantic" to give it some wistful or contrived notion that things are actually positive.

"Hopeful romantic" is even worse. Feels like an oxymoron there or something. Buddy, that's a recipe for disaster even before you begin life. *grin*

I cannot wait to go home.

This Song Has Been On My Mind

So I felt that it would not do this song justice if I did not share it. First heard it on The OC. I probably should not start on how much I really like that show, so here is the song:

Reason Why

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio
And I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show
And do your best to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind
But you only showed me the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why

Moving Away

Rented a cargo van with ah tan today, and man, that thing is damn hard to drive. Imagine not being able to have a blind spot, trying to drive a huge-ass van in tiny Chicago roads, and coping with a hangover. :)

I woke up wasted at 9am, rushed to get the van, and started moving from noon until 6pm. It was rough. Most of the stuff wasn't even mine! *grin* managed to get everything there after 2 trips to the city. Thank goodness the madness is over!

There's a certain level of sadness that comes with moving away. I guess after all these years of trying to stop feeling all sad and wistful, I've learned to cope with this by thinking less and just walking away from it all. Whenever I leave for Chicago, I often wish that I do not have to tell anyone when I leave, so that I can disappear into the shadows. Then I can come back and things would be all nice and the same. It's too painful for me to say goodbye all the time.


Moving Madness


My Bedroom


My Living Room


Resting!

Have you ever...

had the feeling where it feels like someone managed to put their hand into your body, placed your gut onto their palm, and squeezed really hard? and it's a little hard to breathe, and you labour through it, even as you try to get a grip on the sinking feeling in your gut.

that's what i felt today.

that is all.

Off to Wrigley Field!

took the el to Wrigley Field today to watch the Chicago Cubs play. jeff, matt and i are usually quite pumped to get out there to grab beers and hot dogs, and um yes, watch baseball of course. We got bleacher seats this time, and man, was it tough to sit through! imagine sitting in 86 degree weather with no shade for almost 4 hours! you guessed it -- no beer.







there was this punk there that managed to grab 2 baseballs amongst all the madness when the outfielders toss them to the bleachers. the first ball he got fair and square. the second was thrown into a crowd, hit a lady on the head, and in the ruckus, he somehow managed to weasel his way and grab the ball. so he sits there all smug and shit. when he leaves, he walks past the lady that got hit on the head with the ball, only now she has a friggin' ice pack on her head as well. She asks if she could have one of the baseballs, and that punk actually said no! what the shit!

other than that, the Cubbies won 2-0. woohooo.

My Second Attempt

so the first time i set this thing up, i merrily decided not to post anything. as fate would have it, the next day, i tried to find my page, only to find that the page existed, but not in my blog dashboard.

terrible.

so here, this is my offering to the blogspot gods to appease them. shall have to think of something better to write soon.